The Radiant Barbarian

Feb 12th 2018 Science news now and according to the Daily Star, NASA estimates that there is $700 quintillion - that’s a seven followed by 20 zeros - worth of raw materials in the Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter. This should JUST ABOUT cover my student loan repayments. But there is someone else interested in this bumper pay-day who gave the space agency a call…. A SPACE (COM)ODDITY FX: SKYPE CALL RINGTONE SCIENTIST A: Hello, Mr President TRUMP: Hello NASA can your hear me? SCIENTIST B: We can hear and see you sir loud and clear! TRUMP: Fantastic. I heard on Fox and Friends about all this money in Space. Space money. Just floating around. Its incredible. How do we get it? SCIENTIST C: Well sir, its actually iron, gold and nickel. We work with an asteroid mining company called Deep Space Industries… SCIENTIST B: DSI for short TRUMP: DSI? Like DSI Miami? Love that show. Fighting crime and drugs… Miami is so close to Mexico, you know? SCIENTIST A: Excuse me? TR

5th March 2018 Directors of the collapsed contractor Carillion masked it’s financial ill health with “aggressive accounting” according to report publish Sunday. Sounds like something I would pay to watch actually…calculators flying about…debit THIS! With several other huge companies such as Tesco being accused of this in recent years, one wonders where they get their accountants from…. http://bit.ly/2H3jXQk ALAN’S AGGRESSIVE ACCOUNTING ADVERTISING AGENCY FX: CASH REGISTER JINGLE SALESMAN 1: (Rapid Shouting) Do YOU need practice at misreporting income statements and balance sheet items to make YOUR company appear more attractive to investors!? SALESMAN 2: Are YOU looking for creative ways to deliberately and purposefully tamper with YOUR company’s financials in order to outwardly characterise it’s revenues as higher than they truly are!? SALESMAN 1: Then YOU need to come on down to Alan’s Aggressive Accounting Advertising Agency! SALESMAN 2: That’s right Alan, here are at

A selection of one-liners submitted to Newsjack BBC Radio 4 Extra,  Feb 2018-Mar2018. My favourite is the last one...  Graduate sues University for “Mickey Mouse” degree, claiming it stalled her career…..surely the “Bob The Builder” module would have helped her up the ladder? New Scientology Travolta (sorry, TV) network announces new series of “The Cruise”. Edinburgh Zoo halts Giant Panda breeding programme due to the “incredibly complex and unpredictable process…it’s not black and white”. Looters tear roof off supermarket during Storm Emma chaos…well, “Every Lidl Helps… Starfish “Armageddon” on Ramsgate beach linked to Four Seahorses of the Apocalypse. After praise for attending his daughter’s gay wedding ceremony in Ulster, the father responded “I may be an Orangeman, but it takes two to Tango.” Starbucks investors worried that new 5p paper cup charge will increase Costa coffee. Life on Mars declared possible after scientists find bacteria on the driest place on earth….Mike

Feb 2nd 2018 It was football’s Transfer Deadline Day last week… In March 2019 our Government will have it’s equivalent… Welcome to the madness of…. Brexit Deadline Day!!! FX: Sky Sports “swoosh” JIM: Welcome all to the studios here at the Department of Exiting the European Union! An exciting last few minutes we have for you….. KELLY: Indeed we do Jim…first up, the Chinese Super League have issued a “hands off” warning to potential buyers of our PM. Quote; “Auntie May shows great ability on the pitch “sidestepping” human rights issues. Plus her husband’s “handsome-ness” will be great for us commercially”. JIM: Lovely stuff. New just in that the transfer of Liam Fox has been upheld due to the Department’s fax machine not working. KELLY: The Foreign Office have issued a “come and get me” plea for Boris Johnson. Boris’ agent has told us “he knows nothing about it”. JIM: Over now to Charlotte, our Eastern European football correspondent. CHARLOTTE: Thanks Jim. Sources are telling us that R

Feb 5th 2018 Note - Angela et al are the names of the Newsjack performers that week Japanese Scientists have revealed that a chemical in McDonald’s fries may cure baldness. One man in particular is very pleased with the news…. A HAIR RAISING PRESS CONFERENCE ANGELA: Good morning. Following President Trump's medical a few weeks ago, he promised the American people he would focus more on his diet rather than the exercise he clearly does not require. I am pleased to say that today's news from Japan proves that twelve portions of fries a day sustains the President's magnificent hair and with it, a healthy, vibrant image of America. I will now take your questions…Kieran. KIERAN: Thanks Angela. What do you say to CNN reports tonight that Don Jnr held a secret .... ANGELA: (sigh) Fake news KIERAN: ...meeting in a laboratory in Tokyo… ANGELA: Fake news, Kieran KIERAN: .....attended by McDonalds chiefs to sabotage the fries of rival foreign fast food companies? A

Feb 12th 2018 Chief EU negotiator Michel Barnier has come in for some criticism this week over his aggressive bid to force the UK to stay in the Customs Union. Fearing more delays, and in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, EU leaders are trying new methods to inject a bit of love, peace and understanding into proceedings… BREXIT BLIND DATE GRAMS: Blind Date theme music PAUL O’GRADY: Hello and welcome to this special Valentine’s edition of Brexit Blind Date! Contestants, what’s your name and where do you come from? TERESA: Hi, I’m Teresa from Eastbourne BORIS: Hello, I’m Boris from London JACOB: Good day, I’m Jacob from the 18th Century FX: Audience applaud PAUL: Fabulous! Now, your all here to impress one girl. Please welcome, all the way from Hamburg, Germany…it’s our Angela! FX: Audience applaud ANGELA: Guten Abend, ing britischen Idioten! PAUL : (nervous laugh) Now Angela, calm down. What’s your first question? ANGELA: Is David Davies behind that curtain? PA

Feb 18th 2018 Distracted Apple employees are reportedly walking into glass walls and doors at the company’s new $5bn HQ, apparently distracted by looking into their iPhones all the time. Two employees even sustained cuts to the head…”it’s a right pane” said one afterwards. If this keeps happening, Tim Cook will need to get the experts in….. AUTOGLASS VISIT APPLE FX: DOORBELL RINGS (DEFAULT iPHONE NOTIFICATION) TIM COOK: (Californian drawl) Ah, hi there! I’m Tim, CEO of Apple. You must be the Autoglass Repair man I swiped for earlier? FRED: (Broad Northern Accent) Aye lad. Eh up! This is a right fancy gaff! ANGELA: (Even “drawlier” ) Hi, I’m Angela, Chief Finance Officer. We weren’t sure you could make it - I thought you just did vehicles? FRED: Aye usually, but don’t worry lass, I’ve entered several glass door fitting competitions before.. ANGELA: Oh yes…what happened? FRED: Smashed ‘em! Hahaha…bit of glass humour for you there. TIM: Errr, great! So, could we get do

Feb 18th 2018 Unfortunate Speed Skater Elise Christie crashed out of the Olympics AGAIN last weekend, this time in the 1500m semi final. Constantly on thin ice, touching someones leg inappropriately, ending up in tears at the local hospital…sounds like Tuesday night at my local. In fact, if things don’t improve, maybe Elise should pop along….. OLYMPIC SPEED-DATING GRAMS: BBC “GRANDSTAND” THEME TUNE GARY: Good evening, you join us live for coverage of Olympic Speed Dating, sponsored by the “Dog and Duck”… and MasterCard! GABBY: Our first competitor is 27 year old Elise from Livingstone. Unlucky on the ice, can she be lucky in love? GARY: There she is, by the ladies, warming up… GABBY: Indeed, looks like she has dressed for the occasion - wearing an all lycra number, which one can only assume is for full body protection and speed of exit… GARY: Quite right Gabby - there are some right freaks turn up to these. GABBY: Let’s join our reporter Clare, who is down at the bar soaking u

Feb 26th 2018 Author Michael Wolff has called Tony Blair an "complete liar" for denying claims that he was pitching the Trump team for a job in the Middle East. Blair responded on Twitter that the story was “total fabrication”, “Wolff was never present at any conversation” and “many others have had the same experience” with him. The same experience? What does this mean? Was Wolff just very good at hiding (wolves are good at this)? Did the “many other” people even know they were been watched??? It all sounds a bit spooky…. http://bbc.in/2CGOdhA The Blair Wolff Project JARED: Oh Ivanka, what a great idea to have a breakfast here on the White House Lawn. IVANKA: Well Jared, I just thought would be nice to get outside… There’s a creepy bald guy with a notebook always following me around… JARED: Who, Stephen Millar? IVANKA: No, the other one… FX: Twig snapping IVANKA: Wait, what was that? JARED: Sounded like it came from behind that bush….oh my God! IVANKA

March 5th 2018 Troubled Italian dining chain Prezzo owes banks and suppliers almost £220m, including £120k for furniture…must be those Versace napkin holders. 100 branches are to close, following Jamie’s Italian and Strada closing dozens of restaurants earlier this year. One has to wonder what the big bosses make of it all…. http://bit.ly/2CX4IGo MAKE ME AN OFFER….. GRAMS: “THE GODFATHER” ORIGINAL THEME MUSIC DON CORLEONE: Friends, I have brought you here today to discuss a very serious matter. GANGSTER 1: The Italian election results, Don Corleone? DON: No, worse that that. The Decline of the Roman Empire! ALL: (GASP) DON: By which I mean the UK Italian Restaurant Chain Empire… GANGSTER 2: MAMMA MIA! DON: Prezzo, Zizzi, ASK, Bella Italia… GANGSTER 1: …Carluccio, may he rest in peace DON: Indeed….all are spending too much, trying to expand their territory. We need to reign them in. GANGSTER 2: Don Corleone, we have Mr Oliver outside? DON: See him in. JAMIE OLIVER: (inaudible rapid

March 12th 2018 A graduate has sued Anglia Ruskin University for £60000, claiming she ended up with a “Mickey Mouse” degree that has not helped with her career (despite getting a First). Maybe a “Bob The Builder” degree would have helped her get up the ladder… However, it just goes to show that students today really need think about what degree they choose… https://ind.pn/2Hpbnvu MICKEY MOUSE DEGREE SON: Mum, Dad, school have told me to start thinking about cartoon degrees for University, but I’m really not sure! DAD: Ah, yes I’ve heard the Mickey Mouse degree doesn’t offer great value for money. Let’s have a look at the prospectus, son… how about the Flintstone’s degree in Archeology? MUM: Or the Scrooge McDuck degree in Finance? DAD: SpongeBob degree in Marine Biology? SON: Oh, I don’t know. What did you do, Mum? MUM: I did the Captain Planet degree in Environmental Studies. DAD: (fondly…) Aaaah, She was a bit of a hippy, your Mum MUM: All I ever wante